Life lessons taught to me coaching basketball

This season I have been coaching my son in basketball at the Oconee County Recreation Department primarily at the John T. Brannen building's gymnasium of the Herman C. Michael park. We play two games at the slick rubberized floor of Malcolm Bridge Elementary School. If anyone wants to run for the Oconee County Board of Education on a "no more unsafe rubberized gymnasium floor" platform to perhaps replace David Weeks' slot now that he is running for Christine Franklin's chair slot (she is not seeking re-election), I will certainly support and endorse them.

Previously I coached the oldest kids in the recreation department (15-16 year olds) and was popular enough to be picked to coach an all-star team to state where we were stomped at Fort Stewart about 15 years ago. Now I am coaching the youngest kids and have learned you cannot employ the same competitive techniques with the smaller children.

The Oconee County Recreation Department has always been very good to me, and none of the following is designed as criticism of John Gentry, Tony Lathrup or any of the fine folks who are employed there. The basketball league for the young ones employs some interesting and frustrating rules which has their place and purpose: no fast breaks, no zone defense in the first half, no full court presses, etc. My personal coaching philosophy has evolved from the Loyola Marymont - Grinnell College style of uptempo, shoot every six seconds with an emphasis on defense and intense play. I try to get the best out of the kids and have been fairly successful with it. We trap, we don't screen a great deal, and we run a very few plays from mostly out of bounds situations. Some of my boisterous enthusiasm has seemed to rub one family the wrong way.

The one child, we'll call him "Andy" is a sweet kid with a smile and kind of a goofy playful attitude. Sometimes his playfulness will get him in trouble with his coach and the other players. I have tried to employ this kid in every role possible but none too successfully. I think this is his first go-round with competitive sports and his mother, the team mom, confided in me this was his first time playing basketball. Andy has improved the most, generally playing at the 2 guard or sometimes as a backup guard. He tries really hard and shows great effort. He dives after balls and gets mixed up in the scrums on the floor that often result from tie-ups of loose balls.

His goofing around has resulted in two collisions with our players during the second half warm-up moments. The first time this happened I tried to tell him in as kind a manner as possible to not play so rough with our players, not to knock knees and save that effort for the game. This first time he burst into tears and ran and hid his face in his mother's lap. This would ordinarily not be a big deal - obviously I did not want to reduce him to tears - but he was scheduled both times to start the second half and I could not find him. Most times kids will ask if they can go to the bathroom or get water or whatever, and I am always happy for them to go do what they need to do.

The second time of Andy colliding knees was last week and it resulted in the mother coming out of the stands to berate me in front of the team. The referee from the other game actually came over and witnessed what went down. I pretended she was invisible and let her vent all over me. I still started Andy and let him play and actually got a high five late in the game from the kid after a particularly sweet bounce pass resulting in a game tying basket.

This time when mildly admonishing Andy for the knee knocking I got down on one knee and looked him in the eye and lightly put a hand on his chest to try and let him know I was serious about this. He slapped my hand away twice, his body got all tense, his eyes welled up and I backed off. Of course he disappeared and I could not find him for the start of the second half. With ten seconds to go, we see him in the stands with his mom, and start trying to get him over to the bench so I can talk to him before the second half start (he was starting at point guard). This is when Mom went ballistic and got in my face. She called the league and I wrote her a very long email which I have not sent her. Instead I will print it here:

I have enjoyed coaching your son in basketball this season, and I would
like to continue to coach him for the remainder of the season. I
greatly appreciate your taking on the role of team mother. I respect
your desire to stick up for your son, and I wish you continued success
in raising your son.

I do not think a play-by-play replay of last night's events is warranted
at this point. I have taken {blank} aside twice this year after "fun"
collisions with our players during the brief goof-off time during
halftime. Believe me, I want the kids to have as much fun as possible.
Condoning out-of-control behavior at the risk of injury to other players
on our own team is something I simply cannot tolerate and refuse to do
so. Guidance of players teaching the basics of basketball is what I
volunteered for, not scolding kids for running around or getting grief
from their parents for trying to get their kids in the game when they
are in the stands instead of on the bench

I do not believe that I am a punitive or harsh coach, and I concur
with your assessment of more positive reinforcement is needed. Nobody
cheers louder than I do when they score. But I also believe in
corrective measures when the fun can cause problems with other kids.
{blank} is a great kid. I have enjoyed watching him develop and evolve.
Did he tell you he slapped my hand away from his chest when I was down
on one knee on the court trying to talk to him in a respectful manner?
He always asks if he can use the bathroom.

When I saw the tears welling up in his eyes, I backed off big time. I am
sure I am the awful coach in his eyes tonight, but at the same token, I
feel like when he will look back on this season some day, he will see
that I am only trying to do what is in the best interest of the team and
the kids.

I am not ever going to tell another parent how to raise their children.
Lord knows I have enough trouble on my own as well. I do not coach for
my health. But it does no one any favors to come over to the bench
during the game and let the volunteer coach know what you think of his
technique. Not only does it make me feel like a fool, it completely
undermines any attempt at trying to get the kids to play in a somewhat
coherent manner.

My biggest aim for the team is to see {blank} and every other kid score,
or at least contribute in a positive manner by rebounding, passing or
blocking out. He has improved more than any player on the team. I would
like to see and help that improvement continue. I do not pretend to be
the best coach in the world or the league or the county. Feel free to
respond, and let's work together to make the remainder of the season as
positive an experience for all parties concerned.

I know I yell too much. I know I am not the best coach in the world. I
know {blank} probably thinks I am a bad coach. That's fine, I am not
trying to be their best friend. I am merely trying to instill a sense of
basketball fundamentals. My philosophy has always been "run, have fun
and maybe we've won."

The kids keep score even though the league does not want them to.
{blank}'s style of play really reminds me of Lowell last year when he was
playing with kids two years older than he was at the time. The last
thing I want to do is scare or scar Hunter from ever enjoying team
sports again.

I know I am a little brusque out there and would probably not want to
play for me either. I can relate this however. The best coaches I have
ever had were the ones I did not like at the time I was playing for
them. I hope we can let the bad water pass under the bridge and try to
salvage the best that we can for the rest of the season. Really my
biggest problem is just not having Hunter in the huddle when we need him
and then seeing him over there with you. I have no problem with him
visiting with you during the game, but please just let me know.

Additionally the heart of the matter is that I would like to request
that we do not have any more replication of what and how that happened
this evening. We can both adjust our manner to make this a reality. I
will try to praise them more often, but I am sure you saw how much we
(did not) score in the second half tonight. I felt like I did not want
to be out there at all. I never pretend to have all the answers.

I am willing to work with you and {blank} to try and make the remainder
of this season as enjoyable for all parties concerned. Thank you again
for your passion and entrusting me with the guidance of your child for
the few remaining weeks. Whatever you want to do with the end of the
season is fine with me. Let me know how I can help. But make no mistake,
I will not be as reticent or polite the next time you come second-guess
me in front of the players during a game.

Tell me whatever you want after the game, but please let's just try to
make the best out of an uncomfortable situation and behave as much as
possible in a professional, respectful and kind manner. Sports can bring
out the worst in all of us, but we simply cannot tolerate parents coming
out of the stands and onto the court during the game in a
confrontational manner, no matter how well intentioned or seemingly
justified. It sets a very dangerous precedent and I will stand for it,
and I am sure the league will not either. I am a little too passionate
sometimes about wanting the kids to play in an aggressive manner, and
perhaps that needs to be turned down a bit as well.

In years past I have chased players down out in the foyer to try and get
them back in the game. I have coached soccer three seasons and this is
my second in basketball. I know I do things a little bit differently
than all the rest of the coaches. You will really see that this
Saturday as we get ready for the slick floor of the rubberized Malcolm
Bridge Elementary School.

I don't want to sound insincere but I really do enjoying coaching these
kids and hope my fervor for basketball is passed on to the kids. I want
{blank} to develop the self-confidence where a very mild reprimand from
an authority figure does not drive him to tears or to the stands, or
bring his mother from the stands to confront those in charge in an
inappropriate and ill-timed manner. I played {blank} exactly the same way
I had drawn up in the game plan, but was very flustered after our
exchange and hardly said anything to the kids during the first part of
the second half. When I got the wind back in my sails I was able to
regain my composure to the point where I could compliment the kids on
their performance. I would appreciate it very much if you have any
questions to call me at home when you get the opportunity. We showed a
lot more intensity in our performance this evening but I know we can
play better.

So please let me know your concerns and we can proceed accordingly

I have only had positive feedback from other parents on the team, but sometimes you have to play different players differently and you are often coaching the parents as well as the players. I had a long talk with the league over this incident and I greatly regret that it happened. I hope the team can rebound from the overzealous coach and parent clash and continue to have a successful and sportsman-like season. You are welcome to come to Malcom Bridge Elementary School Monday night to watch us skate on that floor